Quick
to flash a warm smile at the slightest opportunity, Ayo Yemisi
Jaiyeola, reeks of kindness and humility all over her. Full of life, her
elegant looks defy all that she has been through in recent past.
Dedicating
the last 21 years of her life to touching and mending broken hearts
though God’s Wives International, a charity organisation tending to the
needs of widows, the soft-spoken woman has witnessed life from different
angles and appreciates the role and importance of such charming
disposition. But beyond her bright grin and ebullient look lies a gaping
wound that has refused to heal.
Since
the death of her husband and best friend nine years ago, morning, for
the daughter of an Anglican priest, has refused to come. It has been
darkness ever since.
“My husband’s death is still like a dream to me even after nine years,” she said, pausing briefly to catch her breath. “There is no day that I don’t feel loneliness inside of me. Life has not been the same without him around,” she added.
Before
death came knocking in 2008, the business woman and her clergy husband,
who was also a trained medical doctor, Babatunde, were inseparable.
Even
though they had children all around them, nobody could take away the
special moments they shared together. It was a union in which Jaiyeola
got plenty of love and pampering. But one day in mid-2008, everything
changed. The reality has been different ever since.
“I
was brutally and emotionally tortured after my husband’s death,” she
cuts in, recalling the traumatic experience in the days after the sad
incident. “I was punished for staying alive after his passage; I lost
respect among in-laws and every word I spoke was misunderstood. I had to
live in my own home like a stranger. I was treated like a leper.
“When
the medicine I was given failed to work, I had to take myself to the
psychiatric hospital in Yaba, Lagos, to seek help. I went to other
places looking for help as well but it was after some time that it
dawned on me that my husband wasn’t coming back.
“The
only thing that gives me strength till this day is because I remained
in the widows’ community. We were supporting 28 widows before my husband
died, so I became a part of them after they started visiting me at
home. If I didn’t stay among the widows, I probably would have passed on
shortly after my husband died.
“In
the African black society, a widow is put somewhere to suffer for the
loss of her husband. She is treated like a leper just because she is
alive while her husband died. She is not comforted and that never makes
the wound heal. I had to reassure myself that I would survive it. After
my husband’s death, I was no longer invited to their family events;
nobody wanted to see my face again. It is an experience I don’t wish for
even my enemies,” she said.
Like
Jaiyeola, Mrs. Taiwo Adejumo, a lawyer, also stopped being a queen in
her husband’s house after his tragic demise in a car accident several
years back. Apart from having to deal with the grief and challenges the
incident threw on her path, the storm she faced from in-laws added salt
on top of her already bleeding wound. She said that all the people, who
treated her with respect and dignity changed gear soon after her husband
was buried.
“I
was a queen in my husband’s house, pampered and loved by everyone
around him,” she said during an encounter with our correspondent earlier
in the week. “But everything changed immediately he was buried. A leper
was an angel, while I was seen like an outcast. His family members went
to his office, raided everywhere looking for documents, they wanted to
take over everything. They started demanding for all sorts of documents
from me.
“They
let me be for a while and soon came back with more troubles. They asked
me for documents, claiming that they just wanted to make sure
everything was intact. The most annoying part is that a lot of people
who never came to our house when my husband was alive started coming to
make demands after he died. Every one of them just wanted to use the
opportunity to loot everything we had together. It was a very terrible
experience for me,” she added.
Disturbing
as it is, Jaiyeola and Adejumo’s experience is only a fraction of the
torment many Nigerian women are subjected to immediately after the
deaths of their husbands. Relegated to the background mostly by in-laws,
whose major interest is in the sharing of the deceased’s property and
finances, many women in this category are driven to a state of near
mental comatose as a result, developing various life-threatening illness
in the process as well.
According
to recent statistcs, an average of 500 men die across Nigeria every day
under various circumstances, automatically inducting their wives into
the growing community of widows in the country. Globally, the number of
widows is believed to be around 245 million, 115 million of which live
in extreme poverty.
A
recent report by the United Nations identified the continued plight of
widows as a major threat to the realisation of the Millennium
Development Goals one, three and eight, which seek to end poverty,
promote gender equality and engender global partnership. Even though
Nigeria is a signatory to the Convention on the Elimination of all forms
of Discrimination against Women agreed in consonance with 120 other
countries, much has not changed in the way women, especially widows, are
treated in the society when it comes to issues of inheritance and
rights.
“The level of deprivation in the life of a widow is immeasurable,” Jaiyeola said. “The
moment the burials of their husbands had been done, nobody cares about
the widow anymore. I got so many promises from my husband’s family but
not even one was ever fulfilled. It is people outside who supported me.
“A
lot of widows remarried but it didn’t work because men use and dump
them. A lot of men lure widows with fake love; get them to satisfy their
sexual desire, knowing well that after two years, they are going to
dump them. These coupled with the battle they face from their in-laws
make the situation more complicated.
“It
is as a result of this tha June 23 of each year has been set aside as
the International Widows Day to create awareness on the situation of
this category of women. I think it is time for the government to set up a
committee to take care of widows in Nigeria,” she said.
Founder
of a Lagos-based charity organisation, Mr. Felix King, while backing
the strong enforcement of the law meant to protect widows and ensure
their inheritances are not taken away from them by greedy in-laws, also
called for the adoption of other strategies to solve the problem.
Having
interacted and supported women in this category for several years, King
affirmed that indeed the plight of widows is quite pathetic in many
parts of the country.
“Addressing
and solving this problem goes beyond sending a bill to the National
Assembly because we are dealing with customs and traditions here,” he said.
“The
constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria guarantees the right of
a woman to the inheritance of her husband and father but because the
enforcement of the law is weak, a lot of people hide under this guise to
perpetrate evil.
“One
other way I think this can be addressed is for men to put down their
will. Before now, most men believe you must get to 70 years before you
write your will but things have changed. You can write your will now and
that does not mean you will die tomorrow.
“Statistics
show that we have over eight million disadvantaged widows and with an
estimated 21 million children. This is a huge epidemic that Nigeria is
sitting on and that is why we must urgently do something to ease the
sufferings of widows in our society.”
Human
Rights activist and Executive Director, Women Care Initiative, Felicia
Belonwu, while also decrying the poor enforcement of laws
supposedly protecting widows, called for more support for this special
category of women.
“We
have to look at our laws again. Yes, the 1999 constitution provides
that there will be no discrimination but is it working? The law provides
equality talking about the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights.
The law is just formal. It doesn’t work. It has never worked. The
customary law has also not helped.
“First
of all, the woman is a chattel. The woman cannot inherit the man’s
property. She cannot administer the estate of her husband without the
consent of the family. It is only the family that has consent. She has a
limit even if she has 20 children for the man. The woman has no
protection whatsoever. Unfortunately, women are used to prosecute such
fraud against their fellow women (widows). It is a tragedy,” she lamented.
In
many communities across Nigeria today, a huge number of men have been
discovered to put the names of their siblings or relatives in vital
documents where next of kin are required. For their wives and children,
they are made to endure life of hardship and pains after their demise.
“I
had nowhere to run to immediately my husband died,” Nkiru Anazia, a
49-year-old mother of five said, grief still rife in her voice. “I and
my children were thrown out of his house by his relatives because none
of us was used as next of kin on any of his vital documents. I still
find it hard to believe that a man I married for nearly 20 years could
do such to me and his children. It is very painful,” she said.
Sociologist,
Boma Davies, posits that leaders in traditional circles must play a
major role in re-orientating their people on the need to treat widows
with love if this practice must stop.
According
to him, cultural beliefs and traditional practices must be tailored
towards meeting the demands of modern existence where every human should
enjoy certain rights.
“Protecting
and improving the living conditions of widows in our society goes
beyond enacting and enforcing laws. We must approach the problem from
the root which is the traditional institutions and the peoples’ way of
life. For me, this is the best way we can help widows live a better life
after the loss of their husbands,” he said.
SHARE THIS
0 comments: